Huey said my blogs become mature, isn't true? Alright, maybe I'm really becoming mature, but I still feel like I'm still immature and I hope I immature forever too. Why?
1) I won't know what happen between those adults!
2) I needn't have so much worries.
3) I'm still innocent, I needn't do anything while something happen between adults.
4) I don't know what is hurt!
5) I'd live in my happy world.
How great it is if everything didn't happen? How great it is if I didn't grow up? Perhaps, I'm still a sick girl who always need to face doctors, nurses, medicines and needles, but I don't scare about it anymore. Contrary, I'm happy and no worries, I'd only scare of dad's strict face. Don't dreaming, girl, the truth is you're 17 now and soon 18!!
How can I haven't any changes? Do you know there were many things happening on Jan? #Drinking one sup of coffee, I guess I needn't sleep later already. LOL. It's doesn't matter me if I wanna sleep.#
***************The first grievance on Jan***************
5 Jan I started to work, this was my first job. Yet, you know I feel wronged and grief while I was working. They bullied me, I just wanted to cry all the time. Then, I quitted after 8 days, giving the reason for my family with my legs pain, but not I was bullied by them. Well, my family don't know I was bullied by them also. I hoped to tell somebody about it, but then I turned it becoming words in blogs. I didn't really find someone to concern myself. Nowadays, dad would say, "Why you don't work until the end of month? You just need to patient the painful for few weeks, then you'll get much more salary than now. You ar... princess, needn't to work one at home." I won't say anything when I heard so, I didn't tell them that due to they bullied me and I wasn't happy. Since I feel there is needn't to let my family worry about me and I should learn how to hide from them.
**************This is the second grievance on Jan**************
I thought I could take a rest for few days, then I gonna to find another job for myself. Yet, after about 3rd days from the day I quitted, I faced another small challenges of life again. What there are? Um.. I hurt two guys at a short period, one on Thursday and another one on Saturday, I feel sorry to them. I'm a person who will say word very fast sometime without have a process from my brain, sorry yar. Hmm.. I still feel sorry to both of them until now. That aren't the main point, the main point is I feel grief because of something. This is the reason why I locked my blogs. I wished to have a friend can understand and can concern me, but then I didn't tell anyone about what's wrong with myself. I feel needn't to let other worry about me and this was about the things which many people can't understand. Hence, I turned my sadness to words again, blogging but I locked my blogs on the same time.
***********This is the third grievance on Jan************
The fourth week, it is the last week for Jan, I thought I could release the sadness slowly already. Yet, unfortunately, what happened on Sunday? God, help me please!!! It's my nightmare!! However, everything is fine now, I'm still feeling afraid!! The screens are always running in my mind now also! Huey asked, "Don't you fear when you came out from your room?" I tell you the real, I scared, but the sadness covered all my scared feelings. My mind just wanted to stop everything! I didn't want to show out to my friends and even told them what happen also, moodiness! I turned my grievance and frighten to words, blogging again. This time I forgot my friends will worry about me. I didn't want to tell anyone about what happened that whole Sunday, but I told Huey after I met her. She is the one who knew background more than other friends, so I told her. Don't jealous, it's not a good matter and this isn't a proud matter to know my background also.
I met so much hurts on one month, how can I don't have any changes? Perhaps, I'm mature than before now. If let me choose, using a life challenge to earn a mature mind, then I rather don't want to be mature! I don't want using a hurt to change myself to be mature!! If let me choose, using a hurt to change the relationship between my family with me, I rather. Therefore, I don't know I should thanks god, he let me builded a strong bond between family now or I should blame him as he hurt me? Perhaps, I have to thanks him since parents are closing with us after that. But, it will be my hurt forever.
If let me choose, I rather to be my niece. She doesn't know what happened that day, she just kept holding and hiding behind of me while I held dad. Although, she was scare and blur, nobody answered her questions, " Mummy, why you cry? Aunt, why you cry also? Aunt, why grandpa cry? Aunt..." She had a lots of questions to ask me and usually her questions would get the answers from us, but that day, what she asked, she didn't get any answers! No, she is a child, so she needn't to know it, this is what I think. I hope that she won't know grandgrandpa's matter forever, she shouldn't have hurts like me.
After these matters, everything happened on Jan are burst out!! My feelings are getting worst! Well, honestly, I hope to have a friend can concern me, but I don't want to bore and throw my matters to other and also let them worry about me. Look, what my friends did for me when I blogged about Sunday, I'm appreciate with it, THANKS. Therefore, I don't like to let you all worry indeed, I rather keep everything for myself, using laughs to cover sadness.
I finished my cold and bitter coffee now.
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